Wooohooo!

Ok so I just thought I would tell you that as of today, (3 weeks!) I have lost 18 pounds! YAY!!!

Decisions, decisions....

Alright, so I have had another night of introspection and clarification after a lovely letter from a good friend of mine.

I have decided a couple things:

1) I am going to workout like I am a completely healthy and perfectly capable person does.
2) I am going to love my body like a Victoria's Secret model does not matter size or weight.
3) I am going to lose weight like it doesn't matter.
4) I am going to be happy despite all the hard training and tremendous sacrificing I will do.
5) I will do it for me.

I am sure I will have more of these things, whatever they are called and referred to soon. So until next time. :)

Sunday, February 19th, 2009

Well I have had a wonderful weekend, I have been able to to spend it with my friends, my very special group of friends. In highschool years (since I was homeschooled until my Junior year) I have had this wonderful group of friends, Scotty, Shaina, Megan, Telly (who unfortunately was not present, but missed greatly), Kelsey, Tyler, Tim, Rebekah (again, not present), and many more un-named good friends, but these were my closet friends.

But because it is the weekend, it was my junkie day, especially on such a good occassion.
SO I am trying to find out the numbers and will be updating you tomorrow.

I know what I am missing, I need to workout twice a day, so since I know what I am missing, I am determined to get there. I am starting anew tomorrow morning, not because it is a morning but because it is a new day waiting and longing for something better, someone better.

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

My update today will be short, as I am even shorter on time.

I weighted myself this morning to find that I had gained 3 pounds...sad but true. I believe at least one pound is muscle, but the other 2 are from special over indulgence over the lovers weekend. So I am still on track if I divide up the weight for the last 2 weeks, 8 pounds lost. 322 is my weight as of today. I cant wait to get down into the 310's then 300's the 290's...any weight loss to me is exciting, no matter how little or how much. I figure that as long as it is coming off, and i am keeping it off, I will be happy. But I wont mind the days when I do gain, because I can always do better tomorrow, and today. I don't have to start on a Monday. This is something I don't understand. Why must people always start their diets on a Monday? Especially when statistics show that Mondays are the worst of all the days to do so? More people die on Monday's than any of the other day-COMBINED. So, as you can see, my comprehension of starting on Monday is whacked.

I find the number on the scale to be a little intimidating, but I have to remind myself, that I am not just all fat. I do have alot of fat 40% or something, I need to lose half of that (20%) to be at my ideal weight. But since I am also building muscle, I have to also take that into account. So I have also decided to start measurements of myself:
Bust: 52"
Waist: 52.5"
Hips:54.5"
Arms: Upper:18.5" Lower:11.5"
Legs: Upper:27.5" Lower:18"
Neck:16.5"


The Gospel should be Incorporated in every aspect of our lives, as God says it affects every part of our lives, and He wants to be a part of our lives, so I figure, that without God, I will not be able to achieve my goals. And to accomplish all my dreams, I am going to need as many blessings as I can possibly get! I was reading in Isiah, the blessings that come from advised fasting, I want to post the scriptures here and add my notes, thoughts, and comments.

1 Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a trumpet, and shew my people their transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins.

2 Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as a nation that did righteousness, and forsook not the ordinance of their God: they ask of me the ordinances of justice; they take delight in approaching to God.

3 Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted our soul, and thou takest no knowledge? Behold, in the day of your fast ye find pleasure, and exact all your labours.

4 Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD?

6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?

7 Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?

8 Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward. (*I really liked that he says: and Myranda, your health will come forth quickly-I had to liken it. But it makes me feel like I am missing out on blessings that the Lord himself is willing and ready to grant.*)

9 Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity;

10 And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day:

11 And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.

12 And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.

13 If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the LORD, honourable; and shalt honour him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:

14 Then shalt thou delight thyself in the LORD; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

Just another note. I have decided to make Sunday my free day. The Lords day. The Holy Sabbath-no more homework on Sunday. No cleaning on Sunday. No nothing but relaxation and worshiping on Sunday. So that was my weekly update. Anything else I feel like I need to add will be added, but if not, until next Sunday, take care my friends.

Why?

I want to share with you why I want to lose weight today, so when the future calls for motivation and a gentle reminder I can read over this because today things are filled with clarity.

I first of want to do this for me. I have never been selfish, I have never had "me time" in my life. It has always been dedicated to others, or school, or something other than me. I believe I am discovering the new selfish. It is so annoying to be so morbidly obese, especially when your weight literally holds you down from your dreams in the heavens.

I want to lose weight for those in my life who care about me. My whole life I have struggled and strived to make people I love proud of me. It hurts me so badly to see that I disappoint them. I want them to be able to say "yeah that's my daughter, she is gorgeous isn't she?" or "yes, my best friend lost half of herself!" When my papa almost died, it scared me so-o badly. Its been a year and a half now, and in the dark corners of my mind, it stays constantly that I might lose someone I love...but they could also lose me.

I am not doing this on behalf of boys. In the future, the love of my life can benefit from it. But I would be a liar if I denied having boys be attracted to me, would be a big self esteem booster.

I want so badly to fight, and be able to train the way I want. I envy those in better health than I. I went through one hellish year of physical therapy to get where I am today. I cant, no, I wont stop here. When I was told I couldn't do anything for a year a part of me died and took my confidence with it. It is my dream to be the best female fighter, and in this body at this state, it is impossible.

I want to see what everyone sees in me. I am tired of a mocking mirror screaming every bodily fault in my face, ringing constantly into my ears. I want clothes to sit loosely on me, I want to have something I haven't had in so long, that everyone's has, and some take for granted.

I believe every ounce of pain I feel now, even when it becomes unbearable will and is working to make me better, faster, stronger. Pray for me. I wont give up, so don't give up on me. Hold me to my dreams, be my chain. I need you.

"It is finished"

How lovely it would to be able to hear those words spill out from my mouth and into the ears of my soul. I am on my way to a new destination. I would love to have you come with me. It will be a long, at times difficult and treacherous trip. But if you ride with me, I promise you will not be disappointed. I have made someone a promise on their death bed-I cannot break a promise.

Before you go anywhere in life, you have to know where your heading right? Rhetorical question, yes I agree. But I am making a point. I have now made a plan, but like many of my plans, they are not set in stone. There are things you can always perfect - shorter, more effective, more efficient ways to get where your going.

I have decided to be where I want to be in life, I need to lose my weight. I am planning on losing a minimal of 3 pounds a week. Period. In over a year I will be my ideal weight. I will be working out 15 hours a week. Oh how hard it was for me to find the time for this. Life is so full. My schedule already has claim on me and my life now. I am in debt with time.

There is much more to my plan, but I am short of time as usual-no surprise here. Until next time. As I plan on updating my blog on a weekly basis to update on my progress. Plan on moving with me quick. Its set in motion, don't try to stop me now-you'll fail. I am not making sacrifices to fail. And I will be on top.

Why are numbers so significant?

Alright alright, I am taking a big leap out there today...I have promised to be honest, and being bluntly honest about my weight has always been a very difficult thing for me to do. Maybe by not being so quiet about it, it just might help me with losing weight.

Clothes have been a double edged sword for me. I hate the fact that the numbers on the tag make me feel ugly, inadequate. The faces people make at me because of my size are forever ingrained in my memory. They show too much sometimes, they don't fit right. Don't look right, or as good on me as it did the other girl who walked out of the fitting room 5 minutes ago. When I find clothes that enhance my appearance I am quick to buy them despise the higher price. They cover me. Cover all the hurt and pain-the deathly cycle of weight gain.

Gaining weight is a habitual cycle. I eat because it makes me happy. It comforts me. But because I use it to get my fix, I eat so much until all the endorphins kick in and start making me happy, weather or not its one plate, or three. I eat until I feel happy. But after I get to thinking, that well, maybe I ate too much. Negative feelings start creeping in again. I then eat more to "get rid" of those ones. I wake up every morning hating myself because of this. Harsh, but true and honest reality.

I have never felt like I was ever enough. Not a good enough daughter, friend, dancer, martial artist, student. I strive and fixate so much that all my focus centers on being perfect. When I go shopping for new clothes, it is so hard, I wish I could enjoy it like other girls do. I cant but help think what "they" are thinking as they see me fumbling through the back of the biggest clothes there. I cant help but hear their piercing "whispers" that ring so loudly in my ears.

Its really sad that there is discrimination against those of us who happen to bear the burden of excessive weight, if most understood why I am the way I am, I am positive that people would see me different.

Alright...sigh...here I go. I fear people think less of me because of my weight. The heavier I am, the more they think less and less of me. I weigh 330 pounds as of February 1st 2009. Now can you see why I have all the feelings I do? I wear a size 24 for jeans and I differ between an xxl-xxxl. How I long to buy something off the rack. Not to have folds. Not to be out of breath. Not to depend on something. (I like things that are constant, thus, the reason why I like food so much and use it as my drug). Not to want, but to have.

Yes, I have said it. Now it is part of the past, left and gone. I am leaving my bags here.

Friday, January 23rd 2009, a bit late on those "New Year resolutions"

In my life, I have never been the "skinny" girl. I have been one with more curves, a full figured woman, which never bothered me, as curves are nice to have. I was always concerned with just being healthy. I would rather have my curves than starve myself to meet the societies social norms.

But today I have more than my share. I have enough full figuredness for two. Maybe that means I just have twice the beauty. ;P Yes I meant that. But I am not healthy, and my dreams seem to be unattainable when I am in this position. Let me share with you my dreams:

I want to go fight in the World Combat League - a bold statement, I understand, but it has always been a burning passion of mine. I want to be the best woman fighter in the worlds history, I want to be the Mohamed female version-but better.

I want to get married, and become a mother. And most guys don't prefer to date someone who is unhealthy as I am sure it communicates many things to men. And for me, I prefer someone who is healthy and fit, I think I should be giving my husband what he gives me. My expectations that he must meet, are things I cannot ask of him until I have also obtained that level. You know what they say:

"you cannot pick another up until you are on higher ground"

or

"you cannot light another's light until yours burns already brightly enough".

I cannot be a mother when I am unhealthy, its not physically possible, I dont believe my children deserve to have to worry about losing their mother, as well as being embarressed because their mommy cant do this and that, but the other mothers can.

I want to be a fashion designer, I can design none-the-less better or worse, but most people never take those who are morbidly obese like myself seriously. They have a pre-judgement that your lazy, and stupid...that the only thing you acomplish in a day is getting up to eat and watch TV - they assume thats what you live for. How sadly mistaken they are.

My weight has been a protection. With every pound, with every number on the scale, comes a story, a hurt, a painful memory.

I want to live to be the oldest woman ever...I want to break records, be an inspiration to others to live a life worth living, I want others to aspire to walk in my foot steps. How can I ever achieve these goals if I dont live to do them? I want to live to see the effect I leave.

I am in the process of putting this plan together, to lose half of myself, my weight...to me is intimadating. I dont want to be alone ever, especially in this. My worst fear is to be alone, but to face down a past filled with ghosts and demons, while taking down my wall of protection will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to face.

Until I write my heart down again on virtual paper, take care.