Renewed hope (and I DO have angels, I knew it!!)

After talking to a friend, skilled in the area I have come to a few resolutions (as my brain is malfunctioning and I struggle to think straight, indeed something funny to watch if you have seen how well my brain performs otherwise).

I cannot believe all the love and encouragement I receive from family and friends, I am very lucky and blessed to have such people in my life, and I would right now, like to publicly thank those people, as I am suddenly and severely overwhelmed with gratitude. Life has meaning again.

I want to thank my parents, words really will never express my gratitude in the depth I feel, how insignificant and small words are in comparison to a heart. I also want to thank my little brothers.

To my friends,

Shaina,

Kelsey,

Galene,

Heather,

Sadies,

Ali,

Jaylee,

Rachel (my cousin)

Heather (my cousin)

Daniel,

Teresa,

_________,

And so many more. If you have not be named on this list, I have a left a blank for you, input your name there and consider yourself thanked for. The words I hold for all of you will probably never spill from my lips (not just because right now I struggle to talk and actually say something) but because of the emotion brought with this gratitude.

I will write more on my decided course of action, but for now, I am all tuckered out (which something I never imagined saying until I was like, 80 or something).

However, I am currently doing well. You can check out my other blog, to hear about my health scare this last week. Again, I am fine. And I now am enjoying a familiar, yet so new, comforting outlook on life. Thanks for holding on with me, to me.

Life has a funny way of working out doesn't it?! (Yes, there was some pun intended there *wink*)

Yes, yes it does indeed.

A candle in the wind never dies, but wakes

Due to the lack of energy, and a flowfull thought process, I
will make this short and blunt as I just got out of the hospital for unrelated
reasons [for now] and I am still weak and tired.

During my hospital stay, they did blood work. The
news didn't make me happy, in fact, if I had not been so drugged, and right now,
I would probably be in tears, if were not for the drugs clouding my judgement.

I am now in the stages of pre-diabetes. I am only 19.
This is not where I imagined myself.

At all.

Also, my thyroid is "mildly" dis functioning. It
is under working.

I currently am not in any state of mind to do
anything, make any plans, but being so sick has given me time to think,
introspection, soul search.

Right now, I cannot even begin to explain my
frustration, I cant cry, because my brain, my head, my mind pounds and vision is
continuing to swirl-I don't want to make it worse. Despite my attempt, I cannot
hold back as the tears begin to fill my eyes and struggle to fall out.

What in the hell (excuse my blunt cursing, but
for lack of better words right now, I will leave it be) happened?! I am so sick
of this life. I am happy, I have every reason to be happy. Why I am at this
weight, why am I unhappy, why am I not living, why am I not like how I should
be, how I have dreamed?

This has been a major wake up call. There are 2
major things in my life. I am seriously going to change. And although I am sick,
today is the day for change. I know I may fall, I have learned this from my
past, I have always fallen after I have started something. But this is going to
have to be a life change. Immediately. Or else I fear I wont live to see my
dreams happen. I will just continue living in this miserable state.

And I refuse.

I may be weak, but God has promised, weak things
become strong in Him. So, I think its about time to start trusting Him.

I have been looking into the lap band surgery. I
don't want it. For me, it seems like an easy cop-out, but I have never taken the
easy way, and I never regretted it. But I have to stop myself, as my better
judgment, or lack of, I am cogently to drugged to tell, is reminding me to stop
and think, when is it time to put the ego aside and take the smart path. When is
it time to realize when its time to be smart?

I guess I am just tired of struggling. Maybe
doubt has crept into my life, well, thank you God for the blessing, (although
right now I feel like it is freaking damaging curse and I am desperately in need
of getting rid of it).

Anyways, looking at the lap band surgery,
terrified me. I have already had surgery, I just spent a week in the hospital-I
am not very interested in surgery, I hate it, despise it to say the least. I am
giving this one more shot. Even if its all I got, I don't feel like I got one
more fight in me in this whole damn world, but I gotta speak my soul and give it
all I got. Shall I win? I pray I do.

Here I go, I am moving.

Its one thing I know.

"The universe is transformation; our life is what our thoughts make it."

I am ready to change, ready to live ready to be
everything I was meant to be. I am finding my light after it was lost, but you
know what they say, "that which was lost, was never really lost". Its true. Re-light me. I can feel again, the ice is melting, and to show how I feel since I am such a visual person, go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whjOpDb9msM

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear
defeat without losing heart."

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear
defeat without losing heart."

The best of ME

When will I find the best of me?

What truly defines a person being the best of themselves?

As a woman, does it mean when I move from a training bra to an actual bra?

When I am lovely and all my curves finally sit right?

Is it when the sparkle on my finger is finally worn while I dance with a man when I wear white?

Is it when I have ultimate success?

Is it when I hold my first child?

The picture has blurred, as it often does in life, as sorrow tries its best to kill every hope you have, but in the storm it is clearing and I am finding my ground again, I am standing back up, and I am not going to give up, I am not ready to, I was not made to.

I have to admit, I have alot to do before I find the best of me. Alot of weight to sort through. I want to move on from my past, as I constantly reminded that I have a past, every time I look in the mirror, every time I get a new shirt or pair of pants, every time I look at a picture.

I cut the size tags off my clothing as I hate how the numbers linger. It is easier to get dressed when you don't worry about the number you wear, however, when that number feels like it imprinted into your eyes, written in permanent marker across your forehead, and the shirt your wearing seems to bear the "big 24" in the largest print available-tattooed into your heart I think that has to be by far, the worse of the two.

I have a confession to make, I have had quite a difficult time with food lately-as I do use it as my drug. My weight is shaky, I never even imagined the numbers getting this big, I am surprised my numbers can show up on the scale. I have to sober up. I need to change, and I want to. It is so difficult when people who say they will be there aren't, weather they can help it or not, and when you are too poor to afford the things you need. I want to be healthy so bad, I cant stand it. I refuse to look in the mirror knowing I am failing myself everyday. I am sick with shame. I hate losing my own game, I cant but help feel jaded.

I feel like I am stuck in my own cocoon-its boring. I don't want to be left here alone! Unchanged to add to that. I want-no need to fly, to live, experience life, I want to experience what every girl should, dates, boys (ones who don't just say-"oh yeah, your an amazing, cool friend, no one wants the "friend card", and I do love my boy-friends, but I don't want to just be one of the boys anymore, I want to be seen for the beautiful woman I am), clothes, shopping, I want to look in the mirror and feel good about the body I have to live in, sleep in, work in, breathe in!!

I'm worth it! What makes me less than deserving than anyone else? I am tired of wait and I cant keep putting me on hold!

I wonder what my friends and family think when they look at me-maybe I feel unloved as there is too much of me to love. What thoughts occupy their minds?

I know this isn't me-this isn't what I was made for! I have been told I was made for greatness. When will I get my turn to be great? I know there is a healthy, fit, tone woman inside of me, she is buried beneath the past I carry with me everyday, literally. I have my own chains to break now-and I want to give the best of me to everyone.

I haven't had a date-and I am nearing my 2ND decade, I am almost 20 years old, and I am an undated virgin! (ok, I dont really know how to phrase that)-it really makes me wonder if I will ever find someone who can love all of me? Who is willing? I don't want false affection nor false attention for the body I long for...the last time I had a guy make a call at me was when I was 14-over 5 years ago. I have remained unattractive since. My coach tells me "that head with a smaller body-would make you the most beautiful person to walk this planet". Yes, but does that mean I am not beautiful now?

I have decided to put an application in for the biggest loser, I am doing it with my papa, as he too needs to be healthy. When my papa almost died, I made him promise me that he would be there at my wedding and I remind him quite often. He cant make that promise if he is too sick to live I would rather have him there only in spirit than in life, miserable and in pain. I worry as my papa follows my example. Even in physical therapy. My little brothers follow as well, I cant let them follow me on this path, I have to cut it off now.

I know that the chances of me being put on the show are slim, as hundreds of thousands of people put in applications as well as I. But nothing is impossible. I know that from watching what happened with my papa, the chance of him living through what he did, were less than 1%, HE SHOULD BE DEAD, in the ground, frozen, slowly decaying into dust. But he isn't, you would think that when you get a second lease on life that you would change...

I have been afraid, "what if they need me" I want to be needed, but I cant leave a shameful life behind when I die, I need to be like them, the ones who conquer all themselves and change themselves; "what if I miss out on "this" or "that"? I am already unfortunately, but surely missing out on my life NOW. I am finally ready to let go of everything I know and have once known to go out and get the life I want, I can put school, work, life, friends, family, everything on hold, they will always be there, but I wont be if I don't change what I do now. I have always said "when the time is right and ready"-but when will the time ever be "right and ready" for me to go and do something for me, and [hopefully] pull others along with me on the way? I want to inspire a nation.

I have to draw the line now-it has to be seen, hopefully it will be a yellow line, as it would be one of the biggest blessings in my life. I would get the new life I dream of, literally, dream of. And I could bring my papa with me, I could have my little brothers look up at me, my best friend could finally wrap her arms around me. Love would come in its own time, and I wouldn't worry as much.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not broken, just broken hearted.

http://myrandaannwilson.blogspot.com/

Progress

So I realized that I am starting to follow o-5 eating today. It just never really clicked that I was transforming. I have been dishing up smaller proportions with my food, or if I am eating out, I cut it in half, and I wait about half an hour or so to see if I am full, or how full I am, and then I will eat a little more, surprise, I eat quite a bit less than what I have been. But I also eat a little more often, I eat a little before breakfast, then breakfast is my biggest meal of the day, a snack, then lunch, then a snack, and dinner, which is my smallest meal. Sometimes, I eat a small, small, snack before bed. It all just depends on me and the day I have had. Yay me.

In a year and ten months, I will be at my dream weight, 150, a buck & 50 cents, 1.5, 1 and 1/2, 68.0388555 kilograms, say it however you want! I will be my perfect weight, and none the less happy, but also satisfied, that I conquered the thing that has plagued me my whole life. That I did what I thought was impossible, that I proved everyone wrong. That I know I gave my all, and did it!
If I can put this much weight on, you better sure as heck believe it CAN & WILL come off.

Its not that I have a problem with being unhappy because I am not the skinniest girl around, in fact, I being plus sized used to be beautiful. Who knows how society changed?! Who decided that to be beautiful, accomplished, amazing, you have to be a buck o' five?! I think its shallow and disgusting to describe, and judge, define people off how much their body is. So what then does that make normal? No one KNOWS what the definition of perfect is!! So, I think its stupid that people are skinny to please others! Please, I am losing weight for ME, I am being selfish, I want to be healthy, I want to live my life to the limit without being "weighed down".

Its sad really that food has been my drug, I HAVE to face it everyday, while those addicted to alcohol and drugs and such, don't HAVE to face it everyday, you can just get rehabbed, cleansed, and you are done. Unless you choose to go there, and take it. Then you would relapse. But with food, you relapse every time you HAVE & NEED to eat to live. I would rather be an alcoholic than be addicted to food.

Sacrifice

I know I am capable of achieving my goal. Look.

Its just a matter of changing my mind. I always pictured myself at my heaviest weight. It was said, I was mocked. I mentally confirmed what they were all whispering. Now I just need to believe the good things people are saying about me, (which I find hard since I have believed lies my whole life, and I find the truth hard to believe.) I need to trust me that I am enough, that I can do it. That I am beautiful, that I deserve something good. This will be my hardest task to accomplish.

It will take me as long to take my weight off as long as it took me to put it on. But I am willing to fight. It will be worth it. I want my dreams. I'm tired of living in a dysfunctional routine.

Side notes

My mom and I were watching Dr. Phil and Oprah shows that she had recorded discussing the big "M" word, menopause. And they began talking about how you need not be in menopause to be experiencing hormone deficiency's. There are women who can even experience them in their 20's. That shocked me.

They began listing symptoms for those who have too much/too little estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone.

When you have too much estrogen (estrogen dominant) you experience:
*Weight gain (often unexplained) - me
*Abnormal periods - me
*Depression
*Mood Swings - me
*Beast Tenderness - me

When you have too little (estrogen deficient):
*Hot Flashes
*Insomnia
*Body Aches
*Lower Sex Drive
*Vaginal Dryness

High Testosterone:
*Acne
*[Unwanted] Hair Growth

Low Testosterone:
Muscle Loss - me
Increased Fat - me
Depression
Lower Sex Drive

High Progesterone:
*Sleepy & Dizzy
*Depression
*Weight Gain - me
*Increased Appetite

Low Progesterone:
*Irregular Periods - me
*Mood Swings - me
*Increased PMS


I was checking the lists as they appeared on the TV, which has lead me to believe that I have hormone deficiencies. But what?!? I am only 19...!?!?!
Let me explain my thought process.

I am 19 years old. I have 180 pounds I need to lose to be at my ideal weight. I have had my blood tested, my thyroid was claimed to be working at its normal levels. I am eating healthier than ever before, and eating less. I am working out rigorously 3-6 times a week, hours at a time. Still I don't feel like I am losing as much as I should be, especially when I look at my friend, who is losing more than I am and faster than I am, when I have more weight to lose.
I don't sleep as well as a 19 year old should. I get tired in weird random moments of the day and sleep for long intervals.
And this is what I think is the worst part. In high school I had more energy, more determination, more motivation, this was a little over a year ago!! What happened?!?!?
I still have all the same old goals and dreams, inspirations, aspirations, nothing has changed, but its like having something in front of you, a glass half full, but its intangible. I have had depression before, this doe not feel like depression, I have nothing to be depressed about. I sort of feel alienated from my own body. I know my passion, my fire, should be there, is there, its just not burning brightly enough for me to find it. I don't know how I lost contact. I have all the reason to be as passionate if not more about life. Where is that zest I had? That extra special "sparkle"? My light?
I am 19, I should have an easier time losing weight than those older than I? I train, I should be losing like I did before. Why is it so difficult for me to keep going? It seems like an out of body experience for me.

Well I plan on continuing research in this area and will return shortly to discuss this area of my life soon.

These are links for my research:
http://drphil.com/shows/show/1263/

http://drphil.com/articles/article/119

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/health/wellnessandprevention/slideshow1_ss_soh_200803

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20090128_tows_suzannesomers

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

HAPPY EASTER!

It is a beautiful day to sit and reflect. I have been completely consumed by school and I finally have my release.

I must admit, it has been rather hard sticking to a strict diet. I was introduced by my cousin to a food plan called 0-5 eating. I have sort of been getting the hang of it. But it is hard to grasp.

I am still working on losing weight, as I have some news.

I have 1 year and 10 months to get down to 150-165 pounds.

Weather this remains good news or bad, I am unsure.

There is no man involved (at least, no potential prospects involved in this decision for my dead line). Although I cannot deny that there is a man who I will be seeing around that time as he returns home from serving his mission, who I wouldn't mind him being a benefactor. (As I smile and wink as his face crosses my mind).
No it is far more, inclusive and imperative as I am preparing to receive a higher martial arts rank as well as to fight.

I am hopefully getting a job, during which I will save more than half of my money for school, but I also plan on buying herbal life to help speed up my process while I also work on the 0-5 eating. I also need to work out at least once a day, as I have been struggling with this due to the major lack of time and energy I have been inducing.

I am currently writing my biography as a requirement and I want to put a new picture of myself new self on it. I want people to read it. I want to inspire people. Help them want to change their lives for something better. But in order to do that, I must raise myself to higher ground. I must tread the water and make the way. I must walk the talk. I must be an example.

Unfortunately, I have gained all my weight back, another yet failed attempt. However, I am not saddened by it. That means I have crossed off yet another failed attempt. How many attempts can really be out there, one of them have got to work for me. I found it one time, I am sure I can find it again, I just have to remember. I feel change working inside of me. 180 pounds (approximately) is alot of weight to lose. If your looking at it in a broad perspective. But if I am just taking it one day at a time, I don't feel so insecure and worried about taking on such a big task.

I am going to make a "mission statement" soon, I will publish it when it is done.

The mentality of weight...

You know, I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always so obese. Look:





I was actually quiet attractive and healthy. The sad thing about those photos, is that I am more comfortable with who I am now, then I was then. When I in those pictures I had the most warped perspective of myself...I am currently at my heaviest weight, ever. And what really trips my mind is that even when I was that skinny, I always, ALWAYS saw myself at the weight I am today. Why?


When I was younger, (ages 6-13) the girls (and boys, but the girls were the worst) in my ward would go past my house, and every time they saw me, would call me names because they hated me, they hated me because I was home schooled and for whatever other unknown reasons. They were cruel. They would call me stupid, fat, ugly, the names went on and on, but they basically went back to stupid, fat, and ugly. They treated me like I was someone who bore the black plague, if I sat down in church next to them, the whole row would pick up their chairs and move. Rumors were spread around about me, saying I was a whore among many other things.


When someone so young wants friendship and is willing to bend over backwards, it is not good for the young one, it turns out to be so detrimental. I saw myself as what they were calling me. Nothing, no one could change my perspective of myself. I never saw the little girl everyone saw, who was beautiful, and healthy. What I would have given to see myself as I really was. Throw the difficulty of teenage years, that's a really bad combo.

I now see that they were jealous. And still are. It seems only the great are hated by others, for example, Gandhi, John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther Jr. King, George Washington, the list goes on and on. Is greatness so recognized so early on, that people try to put stumbling stones all along the trail for the youth to follow? To stunt growth and progression, success and joy...I think so. If they cant have it, no one will.


Another big point in my life was when my teacher took me off my clogging team. When you take something away from someone, something that makes them so happy, that kills. The cruelty she planned to take my dreams from my fragile, naive hands...she is stone cold. One day, one day soon, she will regret the moment the thought crossed her mind. I remember sitting on my front steps outside, crying, thinking to myself how unfair it was, but more often I thought about what was wrong with me, what I could have done better, how I could have been skinnier, how I could have been lovely and pleasing in her eyes. Those thought soon traveled to every aspect of my life. My pride and confidence came to a screeching halt, I am lovely and pleasing to my family and friends. If my teacher didn't like me, then I am sure even boys will not like me. (Sorry boys, I don't give you enough credit)...I felt so unbeautiful, so undervalued, like my value had gone down like the stock market, a recession in my heart. I didn't feel like I was worth it anymore. To stifle with someones heart, she will live with hell one day...


I doubted who I was, what I was capable of. Fear crept in, I felt like every 2 steps I took forward, I was knocked 3 steps back. I didnt think I was enough, good enough, skinny enough, fast enough, smart enough-enough enough. Enough already! Its unfortunate that I didn't know what I know today, I could have kept dancing, but it hurt too much to do it. My heart couldn't take it. She took the ticket I needed I should have kept dancing till the next train came.


That's what changed me, I used to sit outside, soon I was sitting inside watching TV, eating whatever was there, like someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, rushes to get their fix, and they splendor in the feeling it brings. I have said this more than once. I was emotionally drained; food makes me genuinely happy. I used to play, dance, fight, with such life, but when there is nothing to make you passionate about life, you lose all will to live as I did.


I barely recognized myself.


Every pound I have, has a story. I have been playing in a hallow little game. Where there was no chance of me winning. Winning and losing doesn't define a person. Neither does 100 pounds, or 1000 pounds, nor 1 penny or a million dollars. I wish I could understand this when I was younger. But there is much learned in the process, and I will be better from this. I already am. I gotta keep trying, keep my chin up and held high. There is always another mountain, and it isnt how fast I get there, or whats at the top. It is all about the climb.


80% of Americans struggle with obesity today. I promise you, more than half, it is emotional. Everyone gets their fix one way or another, through food, drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, pornography, but there are others who have found that outlet that allow them to push everything out and take everything in, without guilt. I really want to change the world, help them understand that its not that overweight people are just lazy, (OK, there are some, like in any situation), but they are afraid of change, they don't want to lose what they know will always be constant, and a comfort. They don't have the will to live sometimes. Unfair judgement is passed, but should not. I want to change the world. I want to inspire. Give people a chance.

I am going home, I am going to change myself before I change the world. For once, for ME.



A friend, and a goal.


So to all my family, friends out there, reading this, thank you. Thank you for loving me, accepting me, encouraging, helping, and supporting me. I love and appreciate YOU.

Inspiration(s)...

Kyra Gracie is known and refered as the hottest, best woman fighter in the world...wait until I take her place.

My perfectly ideal body!

This is also optionable!

I just love this picture!

Cant wait to do this!

A stand-still? This early on? I mean come on!

Goodness! This is ridiculous! I am already at my first stand still! I am afraid to change my diet around, I have a tendancy to fear inital change, plus I dont want to gain - I would far rather be at a stand still than gaining, but I want to lose so-o badly. I know I need change because I know that its my consistency that is killing me! But I must admit, I would rather take a risk and find the problem and fix it, rather than just leaving it. I need to mix it up a bit. This is HARD.

I am going to start trying to jump around my days:

M/W/F: 2000 Calories

T/T: 1500 Calories

Sat: 2000

Sun: 2500

I really hope this works. Maybe I am working out too much and making myself hungry...I need to buy myself a protein drink mix...

This is horrible. I hate stand-stills. So from here on out, I am re-evaluating my plans every month (or as needed) to help my body get to my goals. After all, I don't mind my body, I need this to achieve my goals. And I hate when things get in the way of my goals. MOVE.

I just found out the weight divisions for fighting in any MMA sport, and I want to high light the place I want to be at.

The new weight classes go as follows:
Flyweight up to 105
Super Flyweight 105.1 to 115
Bantamweight 115.1 to 125
Super Bantamweight 125.1 to 135
Featherweight 135.1 to 145
Lightweight 145.1 to 155
Super Lightweight 155.1 to 165
Welterweight 165.1 to 175
Super Welterweight 175.1 to 185
Middleweight 185.1 to 195
Super Middleweight 195.1 to 205
Light Heavyweight 205.1 to 225
Heavyweight 225.1 to 265
Super Heavyweight 265.1 and up

So this is currently my goal. I am getting back on track after a long week of extra allowances as my birthday was this last Tuesday. It is good to know you can make any day, any time a Monday.

Wooohooo!

Ok so I just thought I would tell you that as of today, (3 weeks!) I have lost 18 pounds! YAY!!!

Decisions, decisions....

Alright, so I have had another night of introspection and clarification after a lovely letter from a good friend of mine.

I have decided a couple things:

1) I am going to workout like I am a completely healthy and perfectly capable person does.
2) I am going to love my body like a Victoria's Secret model does not matter size or weight.
3) I am going to lose weight like it doesn't matter.
4) I am going to be happy despite all the hard training and tremendous sacrificing I will do.
5) I will do it for me.

I am sure I will have more of these things, whatever they are called and referred to soon. So until next time. :)

Sunday, February 19th, 2009

Well I have had a wonderful weekend, I have been able to to spend it with my friends, my very special group of friends. In highschool years (since I was homeschooled until my Junior year) I have had this wonderful group of friends, Scotty, Shaina, Megan, Telly (who unfortunately was not present, but missed greatly), Kelsey, Tyler, Tim, Rebekah (again, not present), and many more un-named good friends, but these were my closet friends.

But because it is the weekend, it was my junkie day, especially on such a good occassion.
SO I am trying to find out the numbers and will be updating you tomorrow.

I know what I am missing, I need to workout twice a day, so since I know what I am missing, I am determined to get there. I am starting anew tomorrow morning, not because it is a morning but because it is a new day waiting and longing for something better, someone better.

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

My update today will be short, as I am even shorter on time.

I weighted myself this morning to find that I had gained 3 pounds...sad but true. I believe at least one pound is muscle, but the other 2 are from special over indulgence over the lovers weekend. So I am still on track if I divide up the weight for the last 2 weeks, 8 pounds lost. 322 is my weight as of today. I cant wait to get down into the 310's then 300's the 290's...any weight loss to me is exciting, no matter how little or how much. I figure that as long as it is coming off, and i am keeping it off, I will be happy. But I wont mind the days when I do gain, because I can always do better tomorrow, and today. I don't have to start on a Monday. This is something I don't understand. Why must people always start their diets on a Monday? Especially when statistics show that Mondays are the worst of all the days to do so? More people die on Monday's than any of the other day-COMBINED. So, as you can see, my comprehension of starting on Monday is whacked.

I find the number on the scale to be a little intimidating, but I have to remind myself, that I am not just all fat. I do have alot of fat 40% or something, I need to lose half of that (20%) to be at my ideal weight. But since I am also building muscle, I have to also take that into account. So I have also decided to start measurements of myself:
Bust: 52"
Waist: 52.5"
Hips:54.5"
Arms: Upper:18.5" Lower:11.5"
Legs: Upper:27.5" Lower:18"
Neck:16.5"


The Gospel should be Incorporated in every aspect of our lives, as God says it affects every part of our lives, and He wants to be a part of our lives, so I figure, that without God, I will not be able to achieve my goals. And to accomplish all my dreams, I am going to need as many blessings as I can possibly get! I was reading in Isiah, the blessings that come from advised fasting, I want to post the scriptures here and add my notes, thoughts, and comments.

1 Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a trumpet, and shew my people their transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins.

2 Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as a nation that did righteousness, and forsook not the ordinance of their God: they ask of me the ordinances of justice; they take delight in approaching to God.

3 Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted our soul, and thou takest no knowledge? Behold, in the day of your fast ye find pleasure, and exact all your labours.

4 Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD?

6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?

7 Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?

8 Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward. (*I really liked that he says: and Myranda, your health will come forth quickly-I had to liken it. But it makes me feel like I am missing out on blessings that the Lord himself is willing and ready to grant.*)

9 Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity;

10 And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day:

11 And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.

12 And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.

13 If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the LORD, honourable; and shalt honour him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:

14 Then shalt thou delight thyself in the LORD; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

Just another note. I have decided to make Sunday my free day. The Lords day. The Holy Sabbath-no more homework on Sunday. No cleaning on Sunday. No nothing but relaxation and worshiping on Sunday. So that was my weekly update. Anything else I feel like I need to add will be added, but if not, until next Sunday, take care my friends.

Why?

I want to share with you why I want to lose weight today, so when the future calls for motivation and a gentle reminder I can read over this because today things are filled with clarity.

I first of want to do this for me. I have never been selfish, I have never had "me time" in my life. It has always been dedicated to others, or school, or something other than me. I believe I am discovering the new selfish. It is so annoying to be so morbidly obese, especially when your weight literally holds you down from your dreams in the heavens.

I want to lose weight for those in my life who care about me. My whole life I have struggled and strived to make people I love proud of me. It hurts me so badly to see that I disappoint them. I want them to be able to say "yeah that's my daughter, she is gorgeous isn't she?" or "yes, my best friend lost half of herself!" When my papa almost died, it scared me so-o badly. Its been a year and a half now, and in the dark corners of my mind, it stays constantly that I might lose someone I love...but they could also lose me.

I am not doing this on behalf of boys. In the future, the love of my life can benefit from it. But I would be a liar if I denied having boys be attracted to me, would be a big self esteem booster.

I want so badly to fight, and be able to train the way I want. I envy those in better health than I. I went through one hellish year of physical therapy to get where I am today. I cant, no, I wont stop here. When I was told I couldn't do anything for a year a part of me died and took my confidence with it. It is my dream to be the best female fighter, and in this body at this state, it is impossible.

I want to see what everyone sees in me. I am tired of a mocking mirror screaming every bodily fault in my face, ringing constantly into my ears. I want clothes to sit loosely on me, I want to have something I haven't had in so long, that everyone's has, and some take for granted.

I believe every ounce of pain I feel now, even when it becomes unbearable will and is working to make me better, faster, stronger. Pray for me. I wont give up, so don't give up on me. Hold me to my dreams, be my chain. I need you.

"It is finished"

How lovely it would to be able to hear those words spill out from my mouth and into the ears of my soul. I am on my way to a new destination. I would love to have you come with me. It will be a long, at times difficult and treacherous trip. But if you ride with me, I promise you will not be disappointed. I have made someone a promise on their death bed-I cannot break a promise.

Before you go anywhere in life, you have to know where your heading right? Rhetorical question, yes I agree. But I am making a point. I have now made a plan, but like many of my plans, they are not set in stone. There are things you can always perfect - shorter, more effective, more efficient ways to get where your going.

I have decided to be where I want to be in life, I need to lose my weight. I am planning on losing a minimal of 3 pounds a week. Period. In over a year I will be my ideal weight. I will be working out 15 hours a week. Oh how hard it was for me to find the time for this. Life is so full. My schedule already has claim on me and my life now. I am in debt with time.

There is much more to my plan, but I am short of time as usual-no surprise here. Until next time. As I plan on updating my blog on a weekly basis to update on my progress. Plan on moving with me quick. Its set in motion, don't try to stop me now-you'll fail. I am not making sacrifices to fail. And I will be on top.

Why are numbers so significant?

Alright alright, I am taking a big leap out there today...I have promised to be honest, and being bluntly honest about my weight has always been a very difficult thing for me to do. Maybe by not being so quiet about it, it just might help me with losing weight.

Clothes have been a double edged sword for me. I hate the fact that the numbers on the tag make me feel ugly, inadequate. The faces people make at me because of my size are forever ingrained in my memory. They show too much sometimes, they don't fit right. Don't look right, or as good on me as it did the other girl who walked out of the fitting room 5 minutes ago. When I find clothes that enhance my appearance I am quick to buy them despise the higher price. They cover me. Cover all the hurt and pain-the deathly cycle of weight gain.

Gaining weight is a habitual cycle. I eat because it makes me happy. It comforts me. But because I use it to get my fix, I eat so much until all the endorphins kick in and start making me happy, weather or not its one plate, or three. I eat until I feel happy. But after I get to thinking, that well, maybe I ate too much. Negative feelings start creeping in again. I then eat more to "get rid" of those ones. I wake up every morning hating myself because of this. Harsh, but true and honest reality.

I have never felt like I was ever enough. Not a good enough daughter, friend, dancer, martial artist, student. I strive and fixate so much that all my focus centers on being perfect. When I go shopping for new clothes, it is so hard, I wish I could enjoy it like other girls do. I cant but help think what "they" are thinking as they see me fumbling through the back of the biggest clothes there. I cant help but hear their piercing "whispers" that ring so loudly in my ears.

Its really sad that there is discrimination against those of us who happen to bear the burden of excessive weight, if most understood why I am the way I am, I am positive that people would see me different.

Alright...sigh...here I go. I fear people think less of me because of my weight. The heavier I am, the more they think less and less of me. I weigh 330 pounds as of February 1st 2009. Now can you see why I have all the feelings I do? I wear a size 24 for jeans and I differ between an xxl-xxxl. How I long to buy something off the rack. Not to have folds. Not to be out of breath. Not to depend on something. (I like things that are constant, thus, the reason why I like food so much and use it as my drug). Not to want, but to have.

Yes, I have said it. Now it is part of the past, left and gone. I am leaving my bags here.

Friday, January 23rd 2009, a bit late on those "New Year resolutions"

In my life, I have never been the "skinny" girl. I have been one with more curves, a full figured woman, which never bothered me, as curves are nice to have. I was always concerned with just being healthy. I would rather have my curves than starve myself to meet the societies social norms.

But today I have more than my share. I have enough full figuredness for two. Maybe that means I just have twice the beauty. ;P Yes I meant that. But I am not healthy, and my dreams seem to be unattainable when I am in this position. Let me share with you my dreams:

I want to go fight in the World Combat League - a bold statement, I understand, but it has always been a burning passion of mine. I want to be the best woman fighter in the worlds history, I want to be the Mohamed female version-but better.

I want to get married, and become a mother. And most guys don't prefer to date someone who is unhealthy as I am sure it communicates many things to men. And for me, I prefer someone who is healthy and fit, I think I should be giving my husband what he gives me. My expectations that he must meet, are things I cannot ask of him until I have also obtained that level. You know what they say:

"you cannot pick another up until you are on higher ground"

or

"you cannot light another's light until yours burns already brightly enough".

I cannot be a mother when I am unhealthy, its not physically possible, I dont believe my children deserve to have to worry about losing their mother, as well as being embarressed because their mommy cant do this and that, but the other mothers can.

I want to be a fashion designer, I can design none-the-less better or worse, but most people never take those who are morbidly obese like myself seriously. They have a pre-judgement that your lazy, and stupid...that the only thing you acomplish in a day is getting up to eat and watch TV - they assume thats what you live for. How sadly mistaken they are.

My weight has been a protection. With every pound, with every number on the scale, comes a story, a hurt, a painful memory.

I want to live to be the oldest woman ever...I want to break records, be an inspiration to others to live a life worth living, I want others to aspire to walk in my foot steps. How can I ever achieve these goals if I dont live to do them? I want to live to see the effect I leave.

I am in the process of putting this plan together, to lose half of myself, my weight...to me is intimadating. I dont want to be alone ever, especially in this. My worst fear is to be alone, but to face down a past filled with ghosts and demons, while taking down my wall of protection will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to face.

Until I write my heart down again on virtual paper, take care.