When will I find the best of me?
What truly defines a person being the best of themselves?
As a woman, does it mean when I move from a training bra to an actual bra?
When I am lovely and all my curves finally sit right?
Is it when the sparkle on my finger is finally worn while I dance with a man when I wear white?
Is it when I have ultimate success?
Is it when I hold my first child?
The picture has blurred, as it often does in life, as sorrow tries its best to kill every hope you have, but in the storm it is clearing and I am finding my ground again, I am standing back up, and I am not going to give up, I am not ready to, I was not made to.
I have to admit, I have alot to do before I find the best of me. Alot of weight to sort through. I want to move on from my past, as I constantly reminded that I have a past, every time I look in the mirror, every time I get a new shirt or pair of pants, every time I look at a picture.
I cut the size tags off my clothing as I hate how the numbers linger. It is easier to get dressed when you don't worry about the number you wear, however, when that number feels like it imprinted into your eyes, written in permanent marker across your forehead, and the shirt your wearing seems to bear the "big 24" in the largest print available-tattooed into your heart I think that has to be by far, the worse of the two.
I have a confession to make, I have had quite a difficult time with food lately-as I do use it as my drug. My weight is shaky, I never even imagined the numbers getting this big, I am surprised my numbers can show up on the scale. I have to sober up. I need to change, and I want to. It is so difficult when people who say they will be there aren't, weather they can help it or not, and when you are too poor to afford the things you need. I want to be healthy so bad, I cant stand it. I refuse to look in the mirror knowing I am failing myself everyday. I am sick with shame. I hate losing my own game, I cant but help feel jaded.
I feel like I am stuck in my own cocoon-its boring. I don't want to be left here alone! Unchanged to add to that. I want-no need to fly, to live, experience life, I want to experience what every girl should, dates, boys (ones who don't just say-"oh yeah, your an amazing, cool friend, no one wants the "friend card", and I do love my boy-friends, but I don't want to just be one of the boys anymore, I want to be seen for the beautiful woman I am), clothes, shopping, I want to look in the mirror and feel good about the body I have to live in, sleep in, work in, breathe in!!
I'm worth it! What makes me less than deserving than anyone else? I am tired of wait and I cant keep putting me on hold!
I wonder what my friends and family think when they look at me-maybe I feel unloved as there is too much of me to love. What thoughts occupy their minds?
I know this isn't me-this isn't what I was made for! I have been told I was made for greatness. When will I get my turn to be great? I know there is a healthy, fit, tone woman inside of me, she is buried beneath the past I carry with me everyday, literally. I have my own chains to break now-and I want to give the best of me to everyone.
I haven't had a date-and I am nearing my 2ND decade, I am almost 20 years old, and I am an undated virgin! (ok, I dont really know how to phrase that)-it really makes me wonder if I will ever find someone who can love all of me? Who is willing? I don't want false affection nor false attention for the body I long for...the last time I had a guy make a call at me was when I was 14-over 5 years ago. I have remained unattractive since. My coach tells me "that head with a smaller body-would make you the most beautiful person to walk this planet". Yes, but does that mean I am not beautiful now?
I have decided to put an application in for the biggest loser, I am doing it with my papa, as he too needs to be healthy. When my papa almost died, I made him promise me that he would be there at my wedding and I remind him quite often. He cant make that promise if he is too sick to live I would rather have him there only in spirit than in life, miserable and in pain. I worry as my papa follows my example. Even in physical therapy. My little brothers follow as well, I cant let them follow me on this path, I have to cut it off now.
I know that the chances of me being put on the show are slim, as hundreds of thousands of people put in applications as well as I. But nothing is impossible. I know that from watching what happened with my papa, the chance of him living through what he did, were less than 1%, HE SHOULD BE DEAD, in the ground, frozen, slowly decaying into dust. But he isn't, you would think that when you get a second lease on life that you would change...
I have been afraid, "what if they need me" I want to be needed, but I cant leave a shameful life behind when I die, I need to be like them, the ones who conquer all themselves and change themselves; "what if I miss out on "this" or "that"? I am already unfortunately, but surely missing out on my life NOW. I am finally ready to let go of everything I know and have once known to go out and get the life I want, I can put school, work, life, friends, family, everything on hold, they will always be there, but I wont be if I don't change what I do now. I have always said "when the time is right and ready"-but when will the time ever be "right and ready" for me to go and do something for me, and [hopefully] pull others along with me on the way? I want to inspire a nation.
I have to draw the line now-it has to be seen, hopefully it will be a yellow line, as it would be one of the biggest blessings in my life. I would get the new life I dream of, literally, dream of. And I could bring my papa with me, I could have my little brothers look up at me, my best friend could finally wrap her arms around me. Love would come in its own time, and I wouldn't worry as much.
Don't misunderstand, I'm not broken, just broken hearted.
