Why are numbers so significant?

Alright alright, I am taking a big leap out there today...I have promised to be honest, and being bluntly honest about my weight has always been a very difficult thing for me to do. Maybe by not being so quiet about it, it just might help me with losing weight.

Clothes have been a double edged sword for me. I hate the fact that the numbers on the tag make me feel ugly, inadequate. The faces people make at me because of my size are forever ingrained in my memory. They show too much sometimes, they don't fit right. Don't look right, or as good on me as it did the other girl who walked out of the fitting room 5 minutes ago. When I find clothes that enhance my appearance I am quick to buy them despise the higher price. They cover me. Cover all the hurt and pain-the deathly cycle of weight gain.

Gaining weight is a habitual cycle. I eat because it makes me happy. It comforts me. But because I use it to get my fix, I eat so much until all the endorphins kick in and start making me happy, weather or not its one plate, or three. I eat until I feel happy. But after I get to thinking, that well, maybe I ate too much. Negative feelings start creeping in again. I then eat more to "get rid" of those ones. I wake up every morning hating myself because of this. Harsh, but true and honest reality.

I have never felt like I was ever enough. Not a good enough daughter, friend, dancer, martial artist, student. I strive and fixate so much that all my focus centers on being perfect. When I go shopping for new clothes, it is so hard, I wish I could enjoy it like other girls do. I cant but help think what "they" are thinking as they see me fumbling through the back of the biggest clothes there. I cant help but hear their piercing "whispers" that ring so loudly in my ears.

Its really sad that there is discrimination against those of us who happen to bear the burden of excessive weight, if most understood why I am the way I am, I am positive that people would see me different.

Alright...sigh...here I go. I fear people think less of me because of my weight. The heavier I am, the more they think less and less of me. I weigh 330 pounds as of February 1st 2009. Now can you see why I have all the feelings I do? I wear a size 24 for jeans and I differ between an xxl-xxxl. How I long to buy something off the rack. Not to have folds. Not to be out of breath. Not to depend on something. (I like things that are constant, thus, the reason why I like food so much and use it as my drug). Not to want, but to have.

Yes, I have said it. Now it is part of the past, left and gone. I am leaving my bags here.

Friday, January 23rd 2009, a bit late on those "New Year resolutions"

In my life, I have never been the "skinny" girl. I have been one with more curves, a full figured woman, which never bothered me, as curves are nice to have. I was always concerned with just being healthy. I would rather have my curves than starve myself to meet the societies social norms.

But today I have more than my share. I have enough full figuredness for two. Maybe that means I just have twice the beauty. ;P Yes I meant that. But I am not healthy, and my dreams seem to be unattainable when I am in this position. Let me share with you my dreams:

I want to go fight in the World Combat League - a bold statement, I understand, but it has always been a burning passion of mine. I want to be the best woman fighter in the worlds history, I want to be the Mohamed female version-but better.

I want to get married, and become a mother. And most guys don't prefer to date someone who is unhealthy as I am sure it communicates many things to men. And for me, I prefer someone who is healthy and fit, I think I should be giving my husband what he gives me. My expectations that he must meet, are things I cannot ask of him until I have also obtained that level. You know what they say:

"you cannot pick another up until you are on higher ground"

or

"you cannot light another's light until yours burns already brightly enough".

I cannot be a mother when I am unhealthy, its not physically possible, I dont believe my children deserve to have to worry about losing their mother, as well as being embarressed because their mommy cant do this and that, but the other mothers can.

I want to be a fashion designer, I can design none-the-less better or worse, but most people never take those who are morbidly obese like myself seriously. They have a pre-judgement that your lazy, and stupid...that the only thing you acomplish in a day is getting up to eat and watch TV - they assume thats what you live for. How sadly mistaken they are.

My weight has been a protection. With every pound, with every number on the scale, comes a story, a hurt, a painful memory.

I want to live to be the oldest woman ever...I want to break records, be an inspiration to others to live a life worth living, I want others to aspire to walk in my foot steps. How can I ever achieve these goals if I dont live to do them? I want to live to see the effect I leave.

I am in the process of putting this plan together, to lose half of myself, my weight...to me is intimadating. I dont want to be alone ever, especially in this. My worst fear is to be alone, but to face down a past filled with ghosts and demons, while taking down my wall of protection will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to face.

Until I write my heart down again on virtual paper, take care.