Progress

So I realized that I am starting to follow o-5 eating today. It just never really clicked that I was transforming. I have been dishing up smaller proportions with my food, or if I am eating out, I cut it in half, and I wait about half an hour or so to see if I am full, or how full I am, and then I will eat a little more, surprise, I eat quite a bit less than what I have been. But I also eat a little more often, I eat a little before breakfast, then breakfast is my biggest meal of the day, a snack, then lunch, then a snack, and dinner, which is my smallest meal. Sometimes, I eat a small, small, snack before bed. It all just depends on me and the day I have had. Yay me.

In a year and ten months, I will be at my dream weight, 150, a buck & 50 cents, 1.5, 1 and 1/2, 68.0388555 kilograms, say it however you want! I will be my perfect weight, and none the less happy, but also satisfied, that I conquered the thing that has plagued me my whole life. That I did what I thought was impossible, that I proved everyone wrong. That I know I gave my all, and did it!
If I can put this much weight on, you better sure as heck believe it CAN & WILL come off.

Its not that I have a problem with being unhappy because I am not the skinniest girl around, in fact, I being plus sized used to be beautiful. Who knows how society changed?! Who decided that to be beautiful, accomplished, amazing, you have to be a buck o' five?! I think its shallow and disgusting to describe, and judge, define people off how much their body is. So what then does that make normal? No one KNOWS what the definition of perfect is!! So, I think its stupid that people are skinny to please others! Please, I am losing weight for ME, I am being selfish, I want to be healthy, I want to live my life to the limit without being "weighed down".

Its sad really that food has been my drug, I HAVE to face it everyday, while those addicted to alcohol and drugs and such, don't HAVE to face it everyday, you can just get rehabbed, cleansed, and you are done. Unless you choose to go there, and take it. Then you would relapse. But with food, you relapse every time you HAVE & NEED to eat to live. I would rather be an alcoholic than be addicted to food.

Sacrifice

I know I am capable of achieving my goal. Look.

Its just a matter of changing my mind. I always pictured myself at my heaviest weight. It was said, I was mocked. I mentally confirmed what they were all whispering. Now I just need to believe the good things people are saying about me, (which I find hard since I have believed lies my whole life, and I find the truth hard to believe.) I need to trust me that I am enough, that I can do it. That I am beautiful, that I deserve something good. This will be my hardest task to accomplish.

It will take me as long to take my weight off as long as it took me to put it on. But I am willing to fight. It will be worth it. I want my dreams. I'm tired of living in a dysfunctional routine.

Side notes

My mom and I were watching Dr. Phil and Oprah shows that she had recorded discussing the big "M" word, menopause. And they began talking about how you need not be in menopause to be experiencing hormone deficiency's. There are women who can even experience them in their 20's. That shocked me.

They began listing symptoms for those who have too much/too little estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone.

When you have too much estrogen (estrogen dominant) you experience:
*Weight gain (often unexplained) - me
*Abnormal periods - me
*Depression
*Mood Swings - me
*Beast Tenderness - me

When you have too little (estrogen deficient):
*Hot Flashes
*Insomnia
*Body Aches
*Lower Sex Drive
*Vaginal Dryness

High Testosterone:
*Acne
*[Unwanted] Hair Growth

Low Testosterone:
Muscle Loss - me
Increased Fat - me
Depression
Lower Sex Drive

High Progesterone:
*Sleepy & Dizzy
*Depression
*Weight Gain - me
*Increased Appetite

Low Progesterone:
*Irregular Periods - me
*Mood Swings - me
*Increased PMS


I was checking the lists as they appeared on the TV, which has lead me to believe that I have hormone deficiencies. But what?!? I am only 19...!?!?!
Let me explain my thought process.

I am 19 years old. I have 180 pounds I need to lose to be at my ideal weight. I have had my blood tested, my thyroid was claimed to be working at its normal levels. I am eating healthier than ever before, and eating less. I am working out rigorously 3-6 times a week, hours at a time. Still I don't feel like I am losing as much as I should be, especially when I look at my friend, who is losing more than I am and faster than I am, when I have more weight to lose.
I don't sleep as well as a 19 year old should. I get tired in weird random moments of the day and sleep for long intervals.
And this is what I think is the worst part. In high school I had more energy, more determination, more motivation, this was a little over a year ago!! What happened?!?!?
I still have all the same old goals and dreams, inspirations, aspirations, nothing has changed, but its like having something in front of you, a glass half full, but its intangible. I have had depression before, this doe not feel like depression, I have nothing to be depressed about. I sort of feel alienated from my own body. I know my passion, my fire, should be there, is there, its just not burning brightly enough for me to find it. I don't know how I lost contact. I have all the reason to be as passionate if not more about life. Where is that zest I had? That extra special "sparkle"? My light?
I am 19, I should have an easier time losing weight than those older than I? I train, I should be losing like I did before. Why is it so difficult for me to keep going? It seems like an out of body experience for me.

Well I plan on continuing research in this area and will return shortly to discuss this area of my life soon.

These are links for my research:
http://drphil.com/shows/show/1263/

http://drphil.com/articles/article/119

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/health/wellnessandprevention/slideshow1_ss_soh_200803

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20090128_tows_suzannesomers

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

HAPPY EASTER!

It is a beautiful day to sit and reflect. I have been completely consumed by school and I finally have my release.

I must admit, it has been rather hard sticking to a strict diet. I was introduced by my cousin to a food plan called 0-5 eating. I have sort of been getting the hang of it. But it is hard to grasp.

I am still working on losing weight, as I have some news.

I have 1 year and 10 months to get down to 150-165 pounds.

Weather this remains good news or bad, I am unsure.

There is no man involved (at least, no potential prospects involved in this decision for my dead line). Although I cannot deny that there is a man who I will be seeing around that time as he returns home from serving his mission, who I wouldn't mind him being a benefactor. (As I smile and wink as his face crosses my mind).
No it is far more, inclusive and imperative as I am preparing to receive a higher martial arts rank as well as to fight.

I am hopefully getting a job, during which I will save more than half of my money for school, but I also plan on buying herbal life to help speed up my process while I also work on the 0-5 eating. I also need to work out at least once a day, as I have been struggling with this due to the major lack of time and energy I have been inducing.

I am currently writing my biography as a requirement and I want to put a new picture of myself new self on it. I want people to read it. I want to inspire people. Help them want to change their lives for something better. But in order to do that, I must raise myself to higher ground. I must tread the water and make the way. I must walk the talk. I must be an example.

Unfortunately, I have gained all my weight back, another yet failed attempt. However, I am not saddened by it. That means I have crossed off yet another failed attempt. How many attempts can really be out there, one of them have got to work for me. I found it one time, I am sure I can find it again, I just have to remember. I feel change working inside of me. 180 pounds (approximately) is alot of weight to lose. If your looking at it in a broad perspective. But if I am just taking it one day at a time, I don't feel so insecure and worried about taking on such a big task.

I am going to make a "mission statement" soon, I will publish it when it is done.