Friday, January 23rd 2009, a bit late on those "New Year resolutions"

In my life, I have never been the "skinny" girl. I have been one with more curves, a full figured woman, which never bothered me, as curves are nice to have. I was always concerned with just being healthy. I would rather have my curves than starve myself to meet the societies social norms.

But today I have more than my share. I have enough full figuredness for two. Maybe that means I just have twice the beauty. ;P Yes I meant that. But I am not healthy, and my dreams seem to be unattainable when I am in this position. Let me share with you my dreams:

I want to go fight in the World Combat League - a bold statement, I understand, but it has always been a burning passion of mine. I want to be the best woman fighter in the worlds history, I want to be the Mohamed female version-but better.

I want to get married, and become a mother. And most guys don't prefer to date someone who is unhealthy as I am sure it communicates many things to men. And for me, I prefer someone who is healthy and fit, I think I should be giving my husband what he gives me. My expectations that he must meet, are things I cannot ask of him until I have also obtained that level. You know what they say:

"you cannot pick another up until you are on higher ground"

or

"you cannot light another's light until yours burns already brightly enough".

I cannot be a mother when I am unhealthy, its not physically possible, I dont believe my children deserve to have to worry about losing their mother, as well as being embarressed because their mommy cant do this and that, but the other mothers can.

I want to be a fashion designer, I can design none-the-less better or worse, but most people never take those who are morbidly obese like myself seriously. They have a pre-judgement that your lazy, and stupid...that the only thing you acomplish in a day is getting up to eat and watch TV - they assume thats what you live for. How sadly mistaken they are.

My weight has been a protection. With every pound, with every number on the scale, comes a story, a hurt, a painful memory.

I want to live to be the oldest woman ever...I want to break records, be an inspiration to others to live a life worth living, I want others to aspire to walk in my foot steps. How can I ever achieve these goals if I dont live to do them? I want to live to see the effect I leave.

I am in the process of putting this plan together, to lose half of myself, my weight...to me is intimadating. I dont want to be alone ever, especially in this. My worst fear is to be alone, but to face down a past filled with ghosts and demons, while taking down my wall of protection will be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to face.

Until I write my heart down again on virtual paper, take care.