Why are numbers so significant?

Alright alright, I am taking a big leap out there today...I have promised to be honest, and being bluntly honest about my weight has always been a very difficult thing for me to do. Maybe by not being so quiet about it, it just might help me with losing weight.

Clothes have been a double edged sword for me. I hate the fact that the numbers on the tag make me feel ugly, inadequate. The faces people make at me because of my size are forever ingrained in my memory. They show too much sometimes, they don't fit right. Don't look right, or as good on me as it did the other girl who walked out of the fitting room 5 minutes ago. When I find clothes that enhance my appearance I am quick to buy them despise the higher price. They cover me. Cover all the hurt and pain-the deathly cycle of weight gain.

Gaining weight is a habitual cycle. I eat because it makes me happy. It comforts me. But because I use it to get my fix, I eat so much until all the endorphins kick in and start making me happy, weather or not its one plate, or three. I eat until I feel happy. But after I get to thinking, that well, maybe I ate too much. Negative feelings start creeping in again. I then eat more to "get rid" of those ones. I wake up every morning hating myself because of this. Harsh, but true and honest reality.

I have never felt like I was ever enough. Not a good enough daughter, friend, dancer, martial artist, student. I strive and fixate so much that all my focus centers on being perfect. When I go shopping for new clothes, it is so hard, I wish I could enjoy it like other girls do. I cant but help think what "they" are thinking as they see me fumbling through the back of the biggest clothes there. I cant help but hear their piercing "whispers" that ring so loudly in my ears.

Its really sad that there is discrimination against those of us who happen to bear the burden of excessive weight, if most understood why I am the way I am, I am positive that people would see me different.

Alright...sigh...here I go. I fear people think less of me because of my weight. The heavier I am, the more they think less and less of me. I weigh 330 pounds as of February 1st 2009. Now can you see why I have all the feelings I do? I wear a size 24 for jeans and I differ between an xxl-xxxl. How I long to buy something off the rack. Not to have folds. Not to be out of breath. Not to depend on something. (I like things that are constant, thus, the reason why I like food so much and use it as my drug). Not to want, but to have.

Yes, I have said it. Now it is part of the past, left and gone. I am leaving my bags here.