The mentality of weight...

You know, I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always so obese. Look:





I was actually quiet attractive and healthy. The sad thing about those photos, is that I am more comfortable with who I am now, then I was then. When I in those pictures I had the most warped perspective of myself...I am currently at my heaviest weight, ever. And what really trips my mind is that even when I was that skinny, I always, ALWAYS saw myself at the weight I am today. Why?


When I was younger, (ages 6-13) the girls (and boys, but the girls were the worst) in my ward would go past my house, and every time they saw me, would call me names because they hated me, they hated me because I was home schooled and for whatever other unknown reasons. They were cruel. They would call me stupid, fat, ugly, the names went on and on, but they basically went back to stupid, fat, and ugly. They treated me like I was someone who bore the black plague, if I sat down in church next to them, the whole row would pick up their chairs and move. Rumors were spread around about me, saying I was a whore among many other things.


When someone so young wants friendship and is willing to bend over backwards, it is not good for the young one, it turns out to be so detrimental. I saw myself as what they were calling me. Nothing, no one could change my perspective of myself. I never saw the little girl everyone saw, who was beautiful, and healthy. What I would have given to see myself as I really was. Throw the difficulty of teenage years, that's a really bad combo.

I now see that they were jealous. And still are. It seems only the great are hated by others, for example, Gandhi, John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther Jr. King, George Washington, the list goes on and on. Is greatness so recognized so early on, that people try to put stumbling stones all along the trail for the youth to follow? To stunt growth and progression, success and joy...I think so. If they cant have it, no one will.


Another big point in my life was when my teacher took me off my clogging team. When you take something away from someone, something that makes them so happy, that kills. The cruelty she planned to take my dreams from my fragile, naive hands...she is stone cold. One day, one day soon, she will regret the moment the thought crossed her mind. I remember sitting on my front steps outside, crying, thinking to myself how unfair it was, but more often I thought about what was wrong with me, what I could have done better, how I could have been skinnier, how I could have been lovely and pleasing in her eyes. Those thought soon traveled to every aspect of my life. My pride and confidence came to a screeching halt, I am lovely and pleasing to my family and friends. If my teacher didn't like me, then I am sure even boys will not like me. (Sorry boys, I don't give you enough credit)...I felt so unbeautiful, so undervalued, like my value had gone down like the stock market, a recession in my heart. I didn't feel like I was worth it anymore. To stifle with someones heart, she will live with hell one day...


I doubted who I was, what I was capable of. Fear crept in, I felt like every 2 steps I took forward, I was knocked 3 steps back. I didnt think I was enough, good enough, skinny enough, fast enough, smart enough-enough enough. Enough already! Its unfortunate that I didn't know what I know today, I could have kept dancing, but it hurt too much to do it. My heart couldn't take it. She took the ticket I needed I should have kept dancing till the next train came.


That's what changed me, I used to sit outside, soon I was sitting inside watching TV, eating whatever was there, like someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, rushes to get their fix, and they splendor in the feeling it brings. I have said this more than once. I was emotionally drained; food makes me genuinely happy. I used to play, dance, fight, with such life, but when there is nothing to make you passionate about life, you lose all will to live as I did.


I barely recognized myself.


Every pound I have, has a story. I have been playing in a hallow little game. Where there was no chance of me winning. Winning and losing doesn't define a person. Neither does 100 pounds, or 1000 pounds, nor 1 penny or a million dollars. I wish I could understand this when I was younger. But there is much learned in the process, and I will be better from this. I already am. I gotta keep trying, keep my chin up and held high. There is always another mountain, and it isnt how fast I get there, or whats at the top. It is all about the climb.


80% of Americans struggle with obesity today. I promise you, more than half, it is emotional. Everyone gets their fix one way or another, through food, drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, pornography, but there are others who have found that outlet that allow them to push everything out and take everything in, without guilt. I really want to change the world, help them understand that its not that overweight people are just lazy, (OK, there are some, like in any situation), but they are afraid of change, they don't want to lose what they know will always be constant, and a comfort. They don't have the will to live sometimes. Unfair judgement is passed, but should not. I want to change the world. I want to inspire. Give people a chance.

I am going home, I am going to change myself before I change the world. For once, for ME.



A friend, and a goal.


So to all my family, friends out there, reading this, thank you. Thank you for loving me, accepting me, encouraging, helping, and supporting me. I love and appreciate YOU.