A candle in the wind never dies, but wakes

Due to the lack of energy, and a flowfull thought process, I
will make this short and blunt as I just got out of the hospital for unrelated
reasons [for now] and I am still weak and tired.

During my hospital stay, they did blood work. The
news didn't make me happy, in fact, if I had not been so drugged, and right now,
I would probably be in tears, if were not for the drugs clouding my judgement.

I am now in the stages of pre-diabetes. I am only 19.
This is not where I imagined myself.

At all.

Also, my thyroid is "mildly" dis functioning. It
is under working.

I currently am not in any state of mind to do
anything, make any plans, but being so sick has given me time to think,
introspection, soul search.

Right now, I cannot even begin to explain my
frustration, I cant cry, because my brain, my head, my mind pounds and vision is
continuing to swirl-I don't want to make it worse. Despite my attempt, I cannot
hold back as the tears begin to fill my eyes and struggle to fall out.

What in the hell (excuse my blunt cursing, but
for lack of better words right now, I will leave it be) happened?! I am so sick
of this life. I am happy, I have every reason to be happy. Why I am at this
weight, why am I unhappy, why am I not living, why am I not like how I should
be, how I have dreamed?

This has been a major wake up call. There are 2
major things in my life. I am seriously going to change. And although I am sick,
today is the day for change. I know I may fall, I have learned this from my
past, I have always fallen after I have started something. But this is going to
have to be a life change. Immediately. Or else I fear I wont live to see my
dreams happen. I will just continue living in this miserable state.

And I refuse.

I may be weak, but God has promised, weak things
become strong in Him. So, I think its about time to start trusting Him.

I have been looking into the lap band surgery. I
don't want it. For me, it seems like an easy cop-out, but I have never taken the
easy way, and I never regretted it. But I have to stop myself, as my better
judgment, or lack of, I am cogently to drugged to tell, is reminding me to stop
and think, when is it time to put the ego aside and take the smart path. When is
it time to realize when its time to be smart?

I guess I am just tired of struggling. Maybe
doubt has crept into my life, well, thank you God for the blessing, (although
right now I feel like it is freaking damaging curse and I am desperately in need
of getting rid of it).

Anyways, looking at the lap band surgery,
terrified me. I have already had surgery, I just spent a week in the hospital-I
am not very interested in surgery, I hate it, despise it to say the least. I am
giving this one more shot. Even if its all I got, I don't feel like I got one
more fight in me in this whole damn world, but I gotta speak my soul and give it
all I got. Shall I win? I pray I do.

Here I go, I am moving.

Its one thing I know.

"The universe is transformation; our life is what our thoughts make it."

I am ready to change, ready to live ready to be
everything I was meant to be. I am finding my light after it was lost, but you
know what they say, "that which was lost, was never really lost". Its true. Re-light me. I can feel again, the ice is melting, and to show how I feel since I am such a visual person, go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whjOpDb9msM

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear
defeat without losing heart."

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear
defeat without losing heart."