Why?

I want to share with you why I want to lose weight today, so when the future calls for motivation and a gentle reminder I can read over this because today things are filled with clarity.

I first of want to do this for me. I have never been selfish, I have never had "me time" in my life. It has always been dedicated to others, or school, or something other than me. I believe I am discovering the new selfish. It is so annoying to be so morbidly obese, especially when your weight literally holds you down from your dreams in the heavens.

I want to lose weight for those in my life who care about me. My whole life I have struggled and strived to make people I love proud of me. It hurts me so badly to see that I disappoint them. I want them to be able to say "yeah that's my daughter, she is gorgeous isn't she?" or "yes, my best friend lost half of herself!" When my papa almost died, it scared me so-o badly. Its been a year and a half now, and in the dark corners of my mind, it stays constantly that I might lose someone I love...but they could also lose me.

I am not doing this on behalf of boys. In the future, the love of my life can benefit from it. But I would be a liar if I denied having boys be attracted to me, would be a big self esteem booster.

I want so badly to fight, and be able to train the way I want. I envy those in better health than I. I went through one hellish year of physical therapy to get where I am today. I cant, no, I wont stop here. When I was told I couldn't do anything for a year a part of me died and took my confidence with it. It is my dream to be the best female fighter, and in this body at this state, it is impossible.

I want to see what everyone sees in me. I am tired of a mocking mirror screaming every bodily fault in my face, ringing constantly into my ears. I want clothes to sit loosely on me, I want to have something I haven't had in so long, that everyone's has, and some take for granted.

I believe every ounce of pain I feel now, even when it becomes unbearable will and is working to make me better, faster, stronger. Pray for me. I wont give up, so don't give up on me. Hold me to my dreams, be my chain. I need you.